Newsletter

SILVER LINING OF SICKNESS

On November 21st, I tested positive for Covid–for the first time EVER! 

For some reason, my immune system has resisted the coronavirus (or all of her mutations-) all these years we have been aware, and living with, Covid. But I guess my luck was up! In addition to not being able to attend the family Thanksgiving gathering with my in-laws, I wasn’t really hungry enough to eat the yummy leftovers Michael brought home for me. 

And that wasn’t my only low point during my ‘bout’ with Covid. Not by a long shot…

…but sometimes the low-point IS THE POINT. 

It’s just too easy, isn’t it, to feel sorry for yourself when you’re sick. The pity-party gets rocked up to the next level. ALSO: No wonder we were all masked and isolated–Covid is NO JOKE! I have never been so sick in my life! Maybe when I had Scarlett fever as a child, but I don’t remember that. 

You know the drill: NyQuil, sleep, hack, pray for some breathing apparatus to appear by your bedside when you wake up. Calling out for “More juice!” down the stairs to Michael. Moaning for the pounding headache to subside. The PILES of used Kleenex on the bedside table. Magazines, books, and more YouTube videos than you thought your eyeballs could possibly handle watching. Sometimes I would text Michael passive aggressive texts from upstairs: “Are you home?” which really meant ‘I need something.’  Poor Molly got instituted real quick as my emotional support animal. I wondered if my liver or kidneys were shutting down from all of the dextromethorphan in the NyQuil. 
 

Rinse, repeat. And on it went for four days. 
 

When our bodies weaken, so do our minds, and spirits. One feels strung out, defeated, even depressed. Ennui creeps in, and then maybe you go a little deeper, maybe you go to the Dark Place: Who Loves Me? What’s It All For? 

It is hard to look on the bright side when you feel like crappola. But there is a silver lining down there in the cellar: when you are struggling in mind, body, spirit and soul, you are compelled to ask the harder questions of yourself. Shadow arises more easily because you don’t have your defenses up; there are no protectors of the ego in the house. Those ego-loyalists are out to lunch, possibly out of the country–they are not interested in listening to the harder questions the defenseless self asks. 

These ideas and perceptions are the edge I was walking. Ideas–both creative and self-lacerating–were coming to the surface to be dealt with. As I wallowed in the bed, I had to make peace with those edgy shadow dwellers. But how? 

It all started with a Facebook post. SHOCKING, I know! If you’ve never gotten triggered by a Facebook post before, you probably aren’t on Facebook. One thing I know for sure about Facebook: if you are in a great mood, you don’t even check it. If you are in a good mood, you might be mildly amused by your feed’s content or pleasantly distracted for a bit. If you are in a bad mood, say, when you are sick, chances are you might get triggered by something you see or pissed off by something someone posts. 
 

Just saying. 
 

And so it was with me. I noticed that an acquaintance who I had been in a training with a while back was offering a very interesting 4-day retreat for women. It looked like one of these “re-wilding” events, a chance to resurrect our primal selves, paint ourselves with mud and drum under a full moon. In other words, it looked like something I SHOULD be offering. Tempted to sign up myself, I became fixated on ‘why’ I wasn’t doing more of ‘these kinds of events’ at Avalon. I could carry this off! What was so great about so-and-so, when we probably have very similar skills…

Then I went to the Dark Place: You will never be so-and-so because you have to split yourself between the Professor Spain life at UNE and Lady-of-the-Manse life at Avalon. You can’t be FULLY either, and so you suck at both. 

Ok, yes, it was easy to go to the dark place because I had been lurking in the waiting room of the dark place for a few days. Finally I was in! Thanks Covid! I was at the Big Show of Shadow, and I was spiraling. 

Having one foot in one world and one foot in the other, I was convinced it was my job somehow to carry a sense of fracturedness. (For those of you keeping score at home, this was the “stop at the Martyr Hotel” of the darkness walk). It wasn’t long before I started resenting being the one in the family who had to carry the health insurance, and therefore maintain the health insurance JOB, i.e., my UNE job! *Mind you, Michael did this for us for SEVERAL years as I did not get jack-diddly in terms of insurance as an adjunct professor…

I’ll save you more details of the spiral, but believe me: It wasn’t pretty. At least I was stuck in bed and so didn’t project my nonsense onto anyone in my life. Thankfully, after I just could not stand myself anymore, I was ready to listen. 

My defenseless self was willing to listen to what the Mighty Magi of Shadow needed me to tell me, and it went something like this: 

“First of all, little darlin, if you wanted to be so-and-so and howl at the moon for four days with the MANY friends and shamanistas that you know, YOU COULD. You could do that! 

But is that what you want? Because if it was, you’d be doing that. 

And health insurance not-withstanding, you’re actually an intellectual. Oh I know you love to imagine that you are channeling Morgan LeFay here at Avalon but you also wanted to go to college at U-Mass Amherst because you really, really loved Emily Dickinson, because you loved poetry. You LOVE WORDS, and what you can make of them. So don’t poo-poo your dependable, conventional job at the university. PLEASE!  

And another thing: what is so wrong with doing both? You call it ‘being fractured’ but isn’t it being multi-talented? Multi-interested? Couldn’t you just see it as being dynamic? 

I’m here to remind you: You are someone who needs to do things her own way, in form and fashion that does NOT follow the ways and trends of others. You choke on the words “being a follower”–a fate worse than death. No, no! You can’t copy anyone’s style, or offerings! 

So if you are really all that unhappy about how you’re showing up in the world, only you can change that. But just so you know: you generally birth the creations that come to you. You share the inspirations that run through you, and most generously. 

You are the intellectual, AND you are the wild woman of the woods. Your words can cast spells as easily as your high ceremonies. You actually are free to do either, or both, or none. Nobody’s stopping you.” 

I AM BOTH, I realized. I DO need to be original! The silver lining of sickness: feeling powerless strips you of artifice; not having the regular conditioning plugged in about how you go about your day, your perspective gets shifted. 
 

Covid facilitated an unexpected trip to the underworld I needed, a moment of getting triggered, in order to access the space of the internal world– what a gift!  

When you feel great, everything’s great. When you are knocked on your ass, you have to deal with yourself, your weaknesses, your shadow, your warts, your bruises.

Can we be kind to ourselves, when we are stumbling around down there in the cellar? 
 

Christmas time is a time of giving. It feels good to give gifts, to spend a little extra on food and drink, to treat your loved ones to something special. But please do not forget that holiday time can also be a time of triggers, of old hurts resurfacing, even of coveting. If you feel yourself going to the Dark Place, there might be some auspicious wise counselors down there. If this happens this holiday season, my wish for you is to have the courage to hear them out. 

And please, please, be gentle with yourself as you listen. 

Shine On, 
Mary Katherine

 FEATURED EVENT:
FORGING THE FIRE WITH BRIGID
Sunday, February 1st, 2026 
1 PM- 4 PM 
Avalon Acres
Suggested Donation: $20
(This is a FUNDRAISER for Through These Doors*)

Join me and my dear friend and fellow shamanic practitioner, Kristi for a special day spent mostly outside learning the ways of Brigid, the Celtic Goddess of Healing, Smithcraft, and Poetry.

Please consider what empowers you FROM THE INSIDE. External validation is subjective–how are you forging your internal passions? The more joy we generate by doing what truly feeds us, the brighter our lights shine. 

Calling on CREATION that is the SPARK of the Divine Flame Within, we will build an outdoor altar to Brigid, hold a Witness and Reveal circle, and speak to what hopes we have for a fruitful, abundant year. 

This event is a FUNDRAISER for Through These Doors, a Domestic Violence Non-Profit serving Cumberland County and beyond. 

Domestic Violence Prevention is a topic near and dear to my heart, as I was in an abusive relationship for four years with my first husband. One thing I learned was that Super Bowl Sunday (which falls on Sun, 02/08 this year) is one of the busiest days of the year for domestic violence hotline calls. Let’s help those volunteers helping other women! 

TO REGISTER or FMI: Email MK! ninepillarshealing@gmail.com  

 WISE WOMEN TALKING
WINTER SOLSTICE CELEBRATION 
Sunday, December 21st
12:45 PM–3:30 PM 
AVALON ACRES 

[This event is capped! The maximum number has been met for this special event. Hope to see you in January! Please note 2026 circle dates and mark your calendar!]

2026 DATES for WISE WOMEN TALKING
Wise Women Talking meets on the 3rd Sunday of each month at Avalon Acres* in Hollis, Maine from 12:45 PM–3:30 PM
 

Here are the dates (with a few caveats-) for 2026: 

  • JAN 18th (virtual unless someone wants to host at their house) 
  • FEB 15th (virtual unless someone wants to host at their house) 
  • MARCH 15th 
  • APRIL 19th EARTH DAY FOCUS 
  • MAY 24th (* This is actually the 4th Sunday, FYI) 
  • JUNE 21st SUMMER SOLSTICE ceremony
  • JULY 19th POSSIBLE  WATER LOCATION for this circle 
  • AUGUST 16th NO CIRCLE FOR AUGUST 
  • SEPT 20th FALL EQUINOX ceremony 
  • OCT 18th 
  • NOV 15th HONORING THE ANCESTORS 
  • DEC 20th WINTER SOLSTICE CELEBRATION 

*As the barn is not heated, it is difficult (and uncomfortable) to hold our circle in person for the winter months therefore for Jan and Feb, we will meet on Zoom

FMI or to read about what we do in this FREE, open circle, click HERE 

AVALON NEWS

CSA AVALON BOXES 2026

We will be taking orders starting in January 2026. Who doesn’t love some home-grown, fresh ORGANIC produce grown by this guy? 

FULL SHARES WILL BE $350, and that’s 12 weeks of delish starting end of June x 12 weeks

AND SPEAKING OF 2026….ARE YOU IN? 

In addition to my own offerings at Avalon and a possible workshop on Monhegan, here’s a few of the fun, nourishing, and soulful events we have planned for 2026! 

MICHELE LOWRY:
Animal Communicator 
*I’ve confirmed Michele’s Workshop! mark your calendar for Feb 7th, 11 AM- 2 PM at Avalon Acres! 

AMYLIA JAYNE:
Journey Dance 

ŚRI DEVI MELISSA UREY:
Sacred Sound and Yoga Nidra Retreat
*Summer Solstice*

JULIETTE SUTHERLAND: 
Keening Workshop and Ceremony
Anger Workshop and Ceremony

JENSYN PELLETIER:
Holistic Healing Practitioner & Herbalist
Sound Bath & Meditation  

AMANDA PAINTER:
Astrology Readings (as part of a mini-retreat) 

Would you like to offer a special event at Avalon in 2026? We’d love to hear your ideas! Do you know someone that could benefit from our special magic, events, a night at the Sweet Suite? Feel free to forward our website; to see our rental form and FAQs, click here

Newsletter

SHINE BRIGHT BABY

HAPPY LUGHNASA!

She had won the 2-night stay at Avalon in a silent auction. The proceeds were supporting an organization called YES, or Youth Enrichment Services in Boston, which offers youth the opportunity to have outdoor experiences that build confidence and gives those who might not be able to afford a ski pass or ski lesson the chance to participate in winter sports. My old friend, Gene, who lives and works in Dorchester, was helping organize the fundraiser, telling me his own kids had benefitted from many programs YES offered. He also asked me if I would donate a healing session on top of the “get-away” to the Sweet Suite. SURE! YES seemed like a great cause, and I’m always looking for places to promote the wild and wondrous lands of Avalon…

When Louisa showed up for her Maine week-end at Avalon, I’m sure she really did not know what to expect. As this was my first time hosting the “solo immersion retreat” neither did I! But I came up with a few things I thought might move her out of the active mind and busy pace of her CPA job and into some rest and relaxation at the farm. 

On Friday, after arrival around 1 pm, I encouraged her to settle in, explore the trails, and roam the property. I also asked her to fill out the form, “Stating an Intention,” that I would be picking up at 8 PM that evening. Her healing session was scheduled for Saturday at 11 AM, followed by an afternoon of integration, where she could nap, read, go to the beach or whatever she wanted. Then, our ceremonial fire would be around 7 PM, after dinner. 

One of the questions on the “Stating an Intention” worksheet was: 

“A common icebreaker to introduce to a group of people who don’t know one another very well is to ask the group “Who would you invite to dinner?” Famous or not, alive or dead, you get to invite 5 people over for dinner. As someone who regularly communicates with nature and all of her beings, tell me the 5 aspects/spirits of nature you would like to have an enchanting night with. Are they all plants, birds, beasts, insects? Maybe there are trees and star constellations in attendance. Who would be your treasured guests, and why? List at least five.” 

This was so awesome! I actively called in the nature beings, ie. “dinner guests” she wrote down for her healing session and throughout the week-end. I also loved hearing about her “why” as to the 5 she named. What did they mean to her? Was it a new curiosity, or childhood favorite? 

Although I have stopped seeing one-on-one clients, I haven’t stopped doing energy work, and her healing session was very therapeutic for her. It also reminded me that I do LOVE the work! ( I just really needed a break in the WAY I was doing it). Because I knew she was getting extra juice from Avalon’s healing vibe, I was really excited she was only traveling by foot back to the Sweet Suite, not hoping in her car to drive! 

Despatcho Caddy!

Speaking of the Sweet Suite, I had created a Despatcho caddy for her in the unit. A Despatcho is a ceremony where you make a prayer bundle (Despatcho) and either burn it or bury it. Items traditionally used are tobacco, cornmeal, dried flower petals, herbs, and the like. I found these “snack caddies” at Wal-Mart (!) and meticulously labeled all of the items in the little bins. I also included a ‘decoder’ for what the items represented, their healing qualities, and possible prayers one may say with them. Instructions for making the prayer bundle and how to prepare your mind for prayerful engagement were also included. 

I asked Louisa to make the bundle prior to Saturday’s fire ceremony, where we would place the bundle in the sacred flames together. She loved it so much, she made two, and took one home to place on her new altar. Our fire ceremony was sweet and soulful, and the energy of the evening felt settled, safe and nourishing. 

In the morning, my plan was to have a final council: sit with a story of her week-end, then reflect it back to her using the images, discoveries, and insights we had been exploring all week-end. But, she had tickets for a musical down in Portsmouth with her boyfriend and his family, so she got on the road pretty early. 

After some reflection about how I would do this next time (and what I would charge), I realized that part of our mission here at Avalon (and Nine Pillars’ mission, too-) is to help pull the veil back, away from the mundane, away from the busy monkey-mindedness in order to help people re-capture their best selves, and to maybe glimpse something of what the soul is truly longing for. I know my work in the world is stitched into this kind of immersive experience–and that is one reason why I really did not want to offer the 2-hr sessions anymore. I want people to have an experience that will linger with them; some of you may say that my healing sessions have lingered but facilitating the power of ritual (Despatcho), of ceremony (fire), of the Spirit BATH one receives from just being at Avalon is where my calling is now. This was a multi-layered immersion, something my high-self has been trying to put into motion at Avalon for a while. I did it! 

I also had a very willing guest! She even wanted to join me in my Saturday morning “powering up” by dancing the Medicine Wheel with me. She was a great hula-hooper! I did provide coffee, tea, two lite breakfasts and snacks for her in the Sweet Suite. She was on her own for other meals. 

What has your YES brought to your shores? For me, saying YES to YES (the organization!) brought me a wonderful, willing sojourner who gave me the invaluable gift of feedback. Relishing my own experience, what I learned, and the gift of true connection with Lousia not only enriched my week-end and blessed Avalon, but this will inform next steps for how I’d like to offer this experience in the future. 

I am so proud of the work I do. Lughnasa is an excellent time to remind ourselves of our strengths, our ‘best selves’ that we can offer the world. Although not encouraged in our world these days, the ancient Celts took boasting to an artform at Lughnasa. Part levity, part competition, it was celebrated and encouraged to boast, maybe even embellish your greatest gifts. 

What we focus on, expands. So why not focus on the best parts of you? 

Shine On, 

PS. If you’d like to book a week-end retreat at Avalon to experience the immersion I’ve described here, I have one week-end left in September and two in October. The energetic exchange is $350 (or, $300 without the guided fire ceremony). 

FEATURED EVENT: 

“Embodied and Emboldened: Becoming an Intentional Human” 

Saturday, September 27th and Oct 18th 

Nature Wander Immersion and WORKSHOP:

Intention: To become an emboldened, embodied, intentional adult who understands her medicine and is ready to give it to the community by reclaiming the contours of self and soul and who has a curiosity about how to show up in a world which has dominated and distorted the soul’s energetics for way too long 

ENGAGE WITH SOUL 8:30 AM–11:30 AM

Wander the land of Avalon to re-discover what story your soul is holding and how you might engage with it throughout the day. As you walk with the wild world, make inquiries as to how you, too, can become your most awakened self; fasting encouraged but not required

~Pls enjoy your bagged lunch from 11:30–12:30~ 

REFLECT WITH SELF 12:30 PM–1:30 PM

Honor the voices of soul you heard on the land by calling up the MAKER of you. Reflect in your journal through poetry, drawing or other forms of creation. Make a mandala on the earth, collage the story of your morning with images. Paint, sing or even dance the wisdom you received. Some art supplies will be provided but feel free to bring your own  

~break 1:30 PM– 1:45 PM~

CONNECT IN COMMUNITY 1:45 PM-4 PM

Discover how the distilled pieces of soul and self dance together and are best served in the community. Here’s where we carry the “emboldened” self and soul into the world. You will be guided to make a covenant with yourself in service to your discoveries of truth and share with the group in council the ways you intend to apply your medicine  

*THIS IS AN ALL-DAY EVENT. We will be sharing, revealing, honoring the TRUTH that arises in each of us. If you have been wondering where your passion or purpose has gone, this event is for you! But please do recognize it is crafted with the integrity to go deeply into the authentic places of self and soul that need (and deserve) tending. 

*SLIDING SCALE: $50–$65; Venmo, PayPal cash or check by 09/12 (for 09/27) and 10/03 (for 10/18) 

Fmi: Email ninepillarshealing@gmail.com or text 207-939-6863

Uncategorized

HAPPY IMBOLC

Hello and Happy IMBOLC! 
 

Brigid is shown here “putting Winter to sleep;” art by John Quigley, Printed in Ireland, 2000

This winter, I’ve been listening to the audio book, My Name is Barbra, on my way to work. It is Barbra Streisand reading her memoir, which must have taken years to pen–she’s had quite the life! If you grew up in the 70’s like I did, your mom may have played Barbra Streisdand’s records one after the other, like mine did. So I kinda feel like Barbra is part of the family.
 

The great thing about listening to an audio book is that your brain (and eyes?) don’t have to work quite as hard; you can just listen. The pure joy of listening, of receiving information in the form of images, of a narrative–and that voice!–is heavenly. I’m not sure who helped her edit but you can add “Great Writer” to the list of her many talents. 


SO GORGEOUS–inside and out! 

Last week, I think it was around chapter 35 or 36, she explained many of the juicy details about making A Star Is Born. Her crazy boyfriend Jon Peters was jealous of Kris Kristofferson. The director was a jerk, who apparently tried to sabotage the movie by selling certain “filthy lies” to the gossip columnists. Barbra shares that she was exhausted after the movie wrapped and did not want to do any movies for a while. She needed a break, so she took one. Admittedly, she notes, “I got bored after about three months.” Then, she confessed, she needed a project. 
 

Her project turned out to be remodeling a one-story “ugly tract house I used as a small sound studio.” Throughout the book, she’s always recounting what she wore to this event or that party in great detail; she has a penchant for antique clothing and, as she puts it, “old things.” So it was no surprise when she tells the listener, “I didn’t want to tear the house down, as ugly as it was. That would have been too dramatic, and a lot more work. I wanted to fix it up, re-do it. Besides, you got to use what you are given.” 

USE WHAT YOU ARE GIVEN. Wow! The multiple meanings weren’t lost on me. Barbra begins this delicious memoir of her life in Brooklyn, and shares that she was told, “No Jewish girl with a nose like that will ever see herself on the big screen.” Can you believe it? Aren’t we all glad she didn’t listen to them! And God gave her a VOICE, but also a lot of chutzpah! Those beautiful songs, the enchanting on-screen performances, the literally millions she has given away to charity–ALL OF THEM (and more) would have never been realized had she not used what was “given” to her–her natural gifts of performing and singing. She never went to college; she took 1 or 2 piano lessons but reports that her family, or rather her single mom, couldn’t afford to continue with the lessons. 
 

She just knew she wanted to act. Particularly, on Broadway. And that is exactly what she did. To make ends meet–before she got her big break with Funny Girl–she sang in a nightclub in Manhattan called the Bon Soir. She just kept pushing those doors open, kept persisting. And she wasn’t afraid to ask, “But what if we do it this way?” It made me wonder if one of her ‘natural gifts’ was determination. Is that possible? 

There have been numerous places throughout this book that I thought I might have to pull over and have a good cry. Not because anything that Barbra was saying was sad–although there are sad bits in it. No, it’s because I get so MOVED! So incredibly enraptured by what ONE LIFE CAN DO, what one woman is capable of! It’s the epitome of inspiration! No one can say she has wasted one minute of her life…

And so this multi-layered “Use what you are given” line really, really stuck with me. It made me ask myself: Am I using what I was given? Have I taken any of my God-given talents for granted? Is there a dormant talent which was not nurtured enough when I was young? Was there someone who told me I would never do such-and-such, as those who told Barbra that her nose would keep her off the big screen? 

Which of those messages did I take in, and adopt as my truth? What door have I yet to bust open for myself, afraid of what I may discover, find, or reclaim? 

In addition to HIGHLY RECOMMENDING this memoir of Barbra Streisand’s, I invite you to ask yourself the same questions. Are YOU using what was given to you? It could be your voice, like Barbra’s. What about your metaphorical voice, the voice of your truth, the voice of your wisdom? What new heights are you willing to go, knowing that the only things in life you truly regret are the risks you DON’T take? 

That last bit is Ann Margret’s line in Grumpy Old Men. I guess the movie stars are acting as my muses today! 

Shine On, 
Mary Katherine 

UPCOMING EVENTS and AVALON UPDATES 

Sat 02/03 (11 AM–2 PM) 

  •  Imbolc: Making an Altar to Brigid at the Sacred Waters 
  • AT CAPACITY for this event! Pls join me and Kristi for future ceremonies, like Lughnasa on 08/03

Sun 02/11 (1 PM- 2:30 PM) 

  • _Wise Women Talking (on Zoom this month) 
  • Join the Zoom room by 12:45 PM ; our focus will be on acknowledging our gifts (God-given and those we’ve worked darn hard for-); Email me for Zoom link (I will send out to regular attendees the day before) 
  • If you so chose, here’s a little journal prompt to enhance your circle time:

How does anyone know what their gifts are? How committed are you to seeing your “superpowers” uplift others and your community? What conditions need to be in place in order to have your natural-born gifts and talents thrive? 
 

Sat 04/20 (10 AM- 5 PM): 

  • Make a Drum using Deer hide: teaching, ceremony, construction and all materials (and lunch!) will be provided. 
  • FMI: Check out the webpage link above for more info or to sign up! 
  • FMI on JaneE: visit https://www.janeekinghearthealer.com/ 

Sun 05/19 (10 AM- 5 PM): 

  • Woe Is Me Nevermore Workshop with Kat Beaudoin 
  • Come explore ways we can transcend the energy of victim archetype – one of the 4 universal survival archetypes.  Despite the baggage that accompanies the word, the victim archetype, like all the other archetypes, is neutral – neither good or bad; and it can be a resource when we learn to navigate its energy as it shows up in our lives. This workshop will utilize the Work That Reconnects, designed by Joanna Macy and incorporate nature and mirroring exercises 
  • Cost $111, location: Avalon Acres; please MARK YOUR CALENDAR for this special day-long, deep-dive event! Kat and I will be putting together a more formal event page soon! Stay Tuned! 

                                   

AVALON NEWS & UPDATES 

__Sweet Suite

  • We’re oiling the walls (who knew you had to treat pine?) and fashioning a cabinet around the fridge. Bed, sink, and comfy wingback chair are installed! 
  • To my Beta-Testers: Please be patient! Probably looking at over-night bookings by early March 2024 

__CSA’s! Are Available for the 2024 season 

  • Don’t you want to support delicious, Maine-grown food? If you are wondering how you can enjoy nutrient-dense local food and support our efforts here at Avalon, please consider buying your CSA from Avalon. We thank you! 
  • Delivery options available! We know everyone who supports us doesn’t all live in Hollis! I’m in town three days a week for my job, and am happy to drop off your box 
    AMAZING! The Sweet Suite looks fantastic! Thanks to the Re-Store, it has a few pieces of comfy furniture too! Stay tuned for booking availability 
     STILL WITH ME?! 

__Snow Shoe at Avalon: Trails are always open, always free! 

  • We even have a rudimentary map! Send us a quick email at avalonacresofhollis@gmail.com if you’d like to experience our winter wonderland or just stop by! 

__ If you’d like to support Avalon Acres another way…